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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.