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Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it`s there", I am going to eat this Pizza "because it`s here"................................
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.