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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.