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Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...