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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.