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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.