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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.