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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.