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When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.