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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
My internet goes out more than I do.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?