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If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!