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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
Find someone you`re good at.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
It should really be called teethpaste.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.