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I wish I had a friend like me
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Sometimes, I`m offended at how easily offended some people get.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.