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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
If suppositories were just a bit smaller, they would be a whole lot easier to swallow...........................
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Hi Iām an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!