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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.