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Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.