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I might not be a great example, but I´m one hell of a good warning.
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol