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"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?