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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."