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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.