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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.