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I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.