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Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch