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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
I`m not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I`m simply suggesting we remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.