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Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.