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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.