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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!