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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.