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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session