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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
It takes balls to be a man.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.