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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!