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I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?