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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.