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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now