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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.