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My inner child is a drunken whore
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!