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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem