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The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.