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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
Check this one out.........1
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."