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I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day