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I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
It was all so different before everything changed.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.