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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
I was told there would be kool-aid.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything