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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
I need a partner in wine.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.