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I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.