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Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
My life is just one long improvisation.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.