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Looks like Waldo got on the malasian plane.. well played waldo.. well played..
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
The problem with diets is pizza.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.