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Vodka is just amazing water.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?