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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
Iām that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.