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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
Bipolar smile :(: ...... Gets um everytime !
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.