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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Have you hugged you bartender today.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.