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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
A hard thing about business is minding your own
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.