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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.