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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.