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Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.