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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
hilarious
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.