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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
I wish I had a friend like me
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.