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that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.