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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)