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A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?