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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.