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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.