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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Running behind is my cardio.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...